Boys

The Break Up Kit

It's really anoying when things break. Like bookshelves and vases and er, our hearts. So I've taken a leaf out of the IKEA catalogue and found some instructions on how to put those beating red organs back together again. Humpty Dumty would be proud.

Contents:

The following items must within reach at all times:

1x Pillow. Of the mum-won’t-kill-me-if-I-trash variety

1x Freshly sharpened pencil

1x Pre-BF compilation CD. Disney song a bonus

1x Notebook. Free from “I heart [his initial] graffiti

1x disposable camera

1x old-school phone that doesn’t store numbers or text messages or photos, i.e. a landline

1x bear costume

57,000,000x friends

Step By Step To…

…Raising Your Spirit Level

You’ve hit the 72^nd hour of your “Why Me?” whinge-athon. And your audience has fallen asleep.

Directions:

Step 1- Welcome to Break Up Idol 2010: Think of a celebrity/friend who’s been dumped at least once during the last 12 months.

Step 2- Note down five of there best qualities and five super-fantastic things they’ve done since joining Team Single.

Step 3- Ask your mates to vote on the listed activities until you agree on something you can do, too.

Step 4- Do it.

Go all New York on your break-up and hire a “Death Bear”. Which is the Big Apple’s answer to throwing away your relationship souvenirs, and comes in the form of a guy carrying a bin bag. While wearing a bear costume.

…Painting over the Cracks

If you were any type of animal in the whole world, you’d be a snail. Who’s lost its shell. And if you were any type of food in the whole world, you’d be a sandwich. Without the bread. And this isn’t OK.

Directions:

Step 1- With your mate, round up all mementos of him and BIN ‘EM!

Step 2- Take pics of your friends with your disposable camera.

Step 3- Get prints.

Step 4-Place the photos in the spaces that were taken up with boy stuff.

If grown-up married people can throw divorce parties, then you can totally have a break-up bash. Especially if they usually involve cake.

…Not Breaking Anything Else

You quite fancy ripping his head off and jumping up and down on it. In stilettos. But apparently this isn’t allowed.

Direction:

Step 1- Grab the oldest pillow you can find.

Step 2- Write his name on the pillow and reach for the freshly sharpened pencil.

Step 3- Temporarily forget everything you’ve ever read about violent behaviour and shove the penil though the pillow. Really, really hard.

Step 4- Remember everything you have ever read about violent behaviour. And stop.